A strange jutsu
by Echiss the Wind
Summary: Crack fic. Sasuke and Itachi are fighting... too bad for their meeting spot. Something must be done: trees are dying! So here comes Naruto with his new jutsu and, oh imprevisible, some new problems... narutodumbness, sasukayelling and some uchiwacest


Some strange jutsu

-We can't continue like that, cried Sakura as a new bunch of trees exploded. They are going to blow up the whole country!

Naruto looked at her, who was worried and wounded and panting. _She's right_, he thought. _They wouldn't mind wrecking half the planet if they could._ _Sasuke…_

Neither Sasuke nor Itachi told a world. They just kept fighting, burning the air, crushing the trees, smashing every single thing around them. Sasuke was oblivious of the world surrounding him; and Itachi… well, Itachi just never seemed to care. Two giants breaking the Earth.

Sakura was right. Everything will die.

The pink-haired ninja was pale and crying, covered by wounds, blood, and so were Saï. Naruto felt exhausted, too, but he could handle it. Kyûbi, you know…

He stuck an idiotic smiling face on his own, turn to Sakura and, with his more self-confident I-will-do-it-'cause-that's-how-I-see-my-nindo's voice, he said:

-Well, I guess there is no other way… I'll have to use my new jutsu!

"Not _again_! Would have moaned Kiba if he'd been here. Not _another_ new technique!" Gladly for him he wasn't actually here.

-A new jutsu? repeated Saï numbnessly.

-You had a new jutsu and you didn't use it before? yelled furious Sakura. What is it?

-It had split out of my mind, eh eh, smiled the stupid petulant blond of a ninja scratching his head in an embarrassed way. It's said to be very effective; I'd learned it from one of ero-sennin's books.

He bent some fingers in front of its face.

-Here it goes… l-fanservice no jutsu!

-_L-fanservice_ no jutsu? repeated Sakura.

-Well, of course, smile the definitely idiot blond boy. It's meant to make people like each other.

-You… You _brainless_! shouted Sakura. Do you even now what "fan service" means?

-Well, assumed Naruto, has it contains the word "fan", I found it appropriate concerning the Uchiwa. "Uchiwa" means "fan", remember?

-What does the "L" stands for? asked Saï while Sakura tried not to die of rage attack.

-Ah, _that_, said Naruto proudly. A little add from my own… Ero-sennin always told me _that_ kind of jutsus was made hugely stronger if added a zest of "lemon". I didn't understood it all but I guess "L-fanservice" no jutsu means that "the acidity of lemon will be drained always be the fan's flapping wing".

-Forget all I said about you before, said Sakura. You're definitively an idiot.

For not being a pervert, that's it. _Everyone_ should be a pervert.

-But, Sakura-san! said Naruto. Look, it worked! They actually stopped fighting.

Sakura shut down to verify the statement which, by the way, was true.

From the trees they have climbed in, the two brothers were staring at each other with black wide eyes.

-See? said Naruto. It's OK! I really am a genius.

-No, you're not, contested sharply Sakura, who didn't want to admit that the situation wasn't as bad as she hop- feared it could have been.

Perhaps both fighters did hate each other so much that the jutsu only made them indifferent. But, _the staring_?

Uchiwa were good at staring. Especially when it involved an other empty-eyed Uchiwa.

_What are they thinking about_? Wondered Sakura, as everyone would have done in this kind of situation. Everyone _normal_. Naruto wasn't normal. Naruto shouted:

-Ey, dobe! Are you all right? Now you're back, may we go back to Konoha… _together_?

After a bit of a thinking (yes, Naruto _does_ think), he added faintly:

-…please?

Uchiwa disappeared from their respective tree.

-That's no good! exclaimed Sakura. They're still fighting!

-The jutsu failed, guessed Saï brilliantly.

-Sasuke! Screamed Naruto. I won't let you get gay!

Wait- gay? _Gay_?

-We _have_ to do something, whispered Sakura weakly. Before my _nose_ starts _bleeding_…

-Bwwhat? did Naruto (he didn't ever imagined Sakura's nose doing anything else than breathe. In and out. Dot.)

-Why are they undressing each other? wondered Saï.

He wasn't especially naive, but the fact is that what both bloody murderers were doing at this precise time was done as coldly as Saï drank his tea.

Torsos appeared, pale as moon and handsomely shaped –Uchiwa fabric. Made in Konoha. Then, Itachi put both hands on both his brother's shoulders and, softly, kissed him.

-Is that a new killing trick? Asked Saï. Seems harmless.

As said, he actually _wasn't_ especially naive, but quite inexperienced.

Sakura sighted:

-_Mind's too weak… Won't be able to move_…

Naruto went in shock. Perhaps was he finally thinking "What have I done? I've created a- two monsters!" (not that they actually weren't, but…)? He turned, smiling, to Sakura. Nope. Wasn't.

-See, he said. There're perfectly OK. Sasuke, would you please stop letting him kiss you already!

-Is that what is called brotherly love? asked Saï as Itachi's purple varnished nails slid smoothly on Sasuke's creamy skin. As you consider him as your brother, do you do such things with him too?

-YaO_i_… whispered Sakura's dying inner mind.

-Stop playing zombie and help me solving the problem! moaned Naruto, who was already trying to work a solution out.

Both clasped Uchiwa stretched out on the (quite shattered) floor, kissing and exchanging body hands –Itachi seemed quite a perverted mind (not that he actually wasn't, but…)

-Get your dirty fingers the hell out of him! shouted infuriated Sakura while crushing poor dear Earth with her fist.

The quake stroke violently the lover's couch but they yet weren't here -they have jumped into the air, which made crazy Saku cry hysterically: "They _will_ indeed make love in the sky if we let them!"

-How an interesting jutsu, said Saï as his paint brush went drawing something.

-No more snakes, _please_! begged Naruto as the ink took life.

-It's to tie them, explained the boy as his creations slid to the Uchiwa couple.

-They-are-yet-a-bit-to-much-tied-to-one-and-other-I-think! did Naruto. Wait! I do remember the counter jutsu. It's… just… Taïkim no jutsu!

-Oh, well, said Saï as his ink painted creatures exploded once more.

Now the two fighting brothers were biting and crushing passionately their yet bruised skin and-

-Do you ever use your brain? screamed Sakura, who'd weaken up in order to practice active stupid blondie hunt.

-That was supposed to be the counter technique! protested he. It was in front of the other on Jiraya's book!

-Aah? How do you explain that they both are presently thinking "take him"?

-What?

-It's English, you brat!

-Ouch! Don't _hurt_ me! We should be searching a way out by now!

-I can't! I am far too infuriated to do anything else than actually _kill_ you!

-Slowly and painfully, nodded Saï. Ropes, snakes, dragons… this time don't fail me.

They did.

Uchiwa were quite naked now, panting some non-so-musical noises as skin melted and black hair mixed –as did lips anywhere, anytime.

-Can't take more, suddenly Sakura stopped to say.

_Gosh, and I forgot my camera_, added her mind.

-I feel strange, felt Saï.

-More of this and I'll go Kyûbi, cried Naruto. Sasuke, _please_! It's Itachi you're kis- ey, don't do that!

-Is that what is called making kids? asked Saï.

-Shhh, said Sakura, her brain searching through 1 000 200 324,7 billions possibilities how to stop that now.

Itachi's lips slid slowly on Sasuke's smooth skin, as his purple nailed hands caressed his white body -curved hips, strong torso, delicate neck, where fall some of his smooth, soft black hair, high pure brow… _Poke_.

Sasuke met his eyes.

And just -suddenly- Itachi _disappeared_.

-W-? did Sakura

She stopped chasing Naruto.

-Good, said blondie. Now we _may_ be able to work something out.

Saï had just given up; he was now painting the artistically shaped landscape –which will actually be entitled "the artistically smashed landscape".

Sasuke was dressing.

-Sasuke… said Sakura.

How deep comment.

-Where did Itachi go? wondered suddenly Naruto, noticing his brutal departure and checking right, left, sky, eart, his pocket (it's Itachi we're speaking about).

-Don't try helping me anymore, said Sasuke coldly.

-Shhh… You're back! cried Naruto. I must said I'm… err, first of all, sorry for all this mess… well, as you often told me, I'm quite an fool, eh eh…

Sasuke looked at him and didn't answer.

-What did you do with the Akatsuki guy? asked Saï.

Sasuke looked at him and didn't answer. He bent fingers.

-Sas-! started Sakura.

-Amnesia no jutsu, said the Uchiwa.

-What?... panted Naruto.

Nothing happened.

-Sasuke-kun erased some _details_ from his memories, obviously, you idiot, answered Sakura hitting blondie (aouch! wasn't she dying scared a second ago or what?).

-Are we coming back to Konoha? asked unconcerned Saï.

Sasuke looked at him and said nothing.

Naruto looked at Sasuke hopefully.

Sasuke looked at Naruto, who was wishing to get a "yes" from him for her, and for himself, too.

Saï looked at nothing in particular.

Sasuke turned head, undisturbed.

-…, he said. I don't do spoilers.

-Where are we? asked naked Itachi, surprised.

-Now, you're back! hissed a petrified Orochimaru –only thing in this desert landscape.

He paused to think.

-And with an other Sharingan owner, I see… Is he for me?

Sasuke pushed his brother on the ex Snake Lord –Gosh, no! _Not_ Voldemort!– who, actually, looked like more a piece of rock than an devilish dark Sith -the hell, this isn't either the Jedi's saga, dobe!

-? did Itachi as the land moved to trap him near Orochimaru.

Sasuke looked at him.

-I'll kill you, he said. Later.

He joined his fingers, which bent.

-L-Fanservice no jutsu, he said.

And, as Orochimaru gave Itachi a very, very strange look (_indeed_), Sasuke vanished.

Killing Itachi could wait. Not torturing him.


End file.
